Mormon Alcohol

In typical American culture, alcohol plays a pivotal role in social functions such as parties, get-togethers, and developing new relationships. "Going out for a drink" is a nice way to meet someone but not have to commit to a full meal if that person turns out to be a dud. Alcohol is also an escape method, a way for people to "unwind" and temporarily forget about their woes.

But alcohol is against the Word of Wisdom. What, then, are we Mormons to do? Substitute ice cream, of course! And we do: we go out for ice cream when we meet someone new, we bring ice cream to every ward party and social event, and we indulge when we are trying to escape. We talk about good ice cream like it is a rare vintage, and we discuss the unusual cocktails of sundaes we like to concoct when frequenting ice cream shops.

Example:

I remember a day in college when my stress level had reached its peak, so when I got home I grabbed the half-gallon of orange-chocolate-chip sherbet and a spoon and plopped myself in front of the tv. The tv was off, of course--I haven't really watched tv since junior high--but I was about a third of the way down the carton when my roommate finally got home, and entered to find me in my drunken ice cream stupor in front of the blank tv.

"Bad day?" she surmised. I think the ice cream gave it away.

So there it is, the great secret revealed: ice cream is Mormon alcohol. If you want to get drunk, go pick up some Häagen-Dazs. Same purpose, different means.

Just remember you heard it here first (and if you didn't, it was still my idea first--you just didn't hear it from the right person).