Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Target Freezer Lights

Sometimes when I am feeling melancholy, I will walk down the frozen foods aisle at my local Target store. As I do so, I can hear an announcer's voice in my head:

"Here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Bettyyyyyyy Edit!"

*wild cheering and applause from the audience*

*(or at least from the frozen vegetables)*


There's nothing like the motion-activated freezer lights to boost your self-confidence.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Laser Vision

A loooong time ago, when I was in junior high, I was riding back to school from some band-related something-or-other. I had the whole bus bench to myself, so I was stretched out with my back to the window, my legs hanging into the aisle. As was usually the case, I was reading a book. It was late afternoon, and just as we reached Las Virgenes Road on the 101, the sun slipped lower than the hills around us.

The words on the page in front of me grew darker, so I pulled my knees up and positioned my book closer to my face. More light dwindled away, and before long it was impossible to read anything. I remained fixed in my position though, still staring intently at the page.

Why am I staring at this page when I know I can't read it? I wondered.

After thinking about it for a moment, I realized that I was expecting some sort of light to shoot out from my eyeballs and illuminate the page.

Honestly? I asked myself. You were really expecting that?

I searched deep within myself and found that yes, that is exactly what I had been expecting. For as fixed as my gaze was, however, it didn't work: no beams of light were emitted from my eyes.

What a let-down for a junior high kid.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Thanksgiving in June

Sometimes I wonder why I live such an incredibly charmed life. There's no other way to describe it: I live an enchanted life. I'm not saying I've never had problems, but when I really examine things closely, it's almost embarrassing how blessed I am. I am ridiculously blessed. Besides having had a happy and productive upbringing, I also have an exceptional family, glorious friends, a job I love, outstanding co-workers, a beautiful place to live (Salt Lake), sufficient food to eat, good health, warm clothing and shelter, a great ward, a healthy testimony, a cute little kitty, and a whole kaleidoscope of other odds and ends that God threw in there for who-knows-what reason.

Honestly, why me? Why should I be so lucky?

I'm grateful for my life.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Asking For Votes

My friend teaches here in UT at Endeavor Hall, which is a really fantastic school, but it has no playground--like as in none: the kids play on the blacktop of the parking lot. The parking lot. Seriously.

Endeavor Hall is in a competition and could win a new playground, but only if it gets enough votes. I don't normally re-post things asking for votes, but I feel strongly that kids should have a place to play.

If you would like to help Endeavor Hall get a playground, vote here with your facebook account:

If you have more than one fb account, don't forget to vote from all of them. You can vote once each day between now and Friday.

Thank you.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Cutting Corners

It was dark. I had turned out the lights and pulled back the curtains in my bedroom. I stood at the open window, adjusting the fan before I went to bed.

A man was passing on the sidewalk below. He stepped off the sidewalk and onto the grass--my grass--heading to the other side.

My first impulse was to yell out, "HEY! QUIT CUTTING ACROSS MY LAWN!" but I stopped myself.

For one thing, it was 1:30 AM, and for another thing, I didn't know how mentally stable he was. What if he whipped out a gun and shot me?

Still, it would've been pretty funny to see his reaction. I'm sure he had no idea anyone was watching.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Gardening Spiders

When I weed, I love watching the spiders scurry away across the dirt as I rip up their homes by the roots.

I do NOT love watching a large garden spider crawl up my shoulder towards my face. When that happens, I scream like a girl and go a little nuts until the spider is gone. It's rather embarrassing, because it's only a little spider, and I have no problems killing spiders in the house, and I actually kind of like spiders when they're in nature, and sometimes if they're teeny tiny I'll let them crawl on my hand, but put a big adult spider on me, and I freak out. Blech.

Hm. Now I've admitted to a weakness that could bring a bit of comical relief to others who witness it. None of you better get any wise ideas...

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

A Day Away From The Phone

On Monday I forgot my phone at home, and do you want to know what happened?

Absolutely NOTHING.

I did not go crazy, my day was not ruined, the world did not explode.

I did feel kind of naked, like Gollum without the Ring, but otherwise I was ok. I don't know why I care that much anyway--I only had 2 text messages by the time I got home. :o)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Left-Foot Driving

Sometimes I get bored just driving with my right foot (I drive an automatic), especially while making the California-Utah drive. To switch things up, I like to give my right foot a rest and let my left foot take control of the gas and brake pedals.

Have you ever tried driving with your left foot? It's really interesting and also a bit awkward, as you have to kind of twist your body to be able to reach the pedals properly. After so many hours in the car, however, it's not always such a bad thing to change positions.

The first time I tried driving left-footed was while I was on a freeway, so it wasn't hard--I just had to maintain a constant speed. Driving in the city is more difficult, and my initial attempts resulted in lots of lurching and hard stops. I've gotten better now, so that my passengers (if I ever had any) might not even be able to tell the difference between my left-footed and right-footed driving.

The left-foot technique has also come in useful for more than just long road trips--it's especially great if you need to do up your shoes or put your socks on while you're driving: you don't have to rush to get your right shoe on before the light turns green, because you can just use your left foot for driving. Easy!

Has anyone else ever tried driving left-footed? I sometimes wonder if it's only me...

Monday, June 11, 2012

The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread

It's a well known phrase: "(insert thing here) is the best thing since sliced bread!" But the other day, that phrase got me to thinking, how great is sliced bread? Is it really the greatest thing ever?

I bet there were some people who didn't even like sliced bread when it first came out, I thought. Then I wondered why someone wouldn't like sliced bread. It seems like such an obviously excellent and time-saving invention.

Imagine, however, if you were someone who ate home-baked bread. You're used to cutting your own slices, and you can cut a thicker or thinner slice as you prefer. If you want a big hunk of bread to take with you, you can cut a big hunk of bread. If you want thinner slices for toast, you can make the slices thinner. It's a matter of control, being able to slice one's own bread, and I could see how some people would not want to give up that control.

I envision a man, a rough burly farmer, sitting bent over the kitchen table, a knife in one hand and a fork in the other, staring at a loaf of bread. "They can't tell me how to slice my bread!"

I also wonder about the impact sliced bread has had on our society, and particularly on the way we use bread. Today, I would argue that most people in the US use bread primarily for making sandwiches. We buy bread, we make sandwiches. We make toast too, I suppose. Sandwiches and toast. But anyone who bakes their own bread knows there's so much more you can do with bread than make sandwiches. I'm not sure what those things are (because I don't make my own bread), but I wonder if the advent of sliced bread has also brought about an advent of fewer uses for bread: we're all stuck so much in the mindset that bread = sliced bread, and that is now the norm.

I happen to love bread, but I have found I don't often like sliced bread, the stuff you can buy at the store. I like bread that I can enjoy whether I'm having it plain or with butter or as a sandwich. I like bread you have to cut yourself. I wouldn't say I'm not grateful for sliced bread though; it's good for what it's good for. And the well-known phrase is certainly better than "the best thing since sliced pasteurized processed cheese food sticks", so I'll go with it.